WANNA BE MY BEST FRIEND??

Here’s what you have to do if you want to be my best friend –

Love food. You don’t have to eat it all the time, but you have to be willing to talk about it all the time. And I better see your eyes glaze over when I mention CHOCOLATE. Any emotion less than ecstasy at the mere mention of a Hot Fudge Sundae will disqualify you from being my best friend.

You must love movies. And movie characters. And movie food. And movie trailers. And movie plots. You don’t have to remember the name of the movie you just saw, or the names of the actors and actresses, but you must be able to reference at least 5 movie plots and/or characters in every conversation we share. If not, I will get bored and you can’t be my best friend.

You gotta laugh. I mean laugh hard. The surest way to my heart is a laugh-snort. Or a laugh-hic-up. Or a laugh-spit-take. Or even a laugh-fart. I want to make you laugh that hard. And then, if you really want to be my best friend, make me laugh that hard, too. My tickle bone is directly attached to my heart.

Sex talk. You must be comfortable with sex talk and not cringe when I say the words Vagina and Penis – which I do A LOT. You don’t have to be sexually active, but you must be sexually verbal. You must not be embarrassed when I rate my favorite penis movies. (Thank you, Kevin Bacon.) And if you’ve ever heard of a Pocket Rocket, you definitely can be my best friend.

I don’t want a green friend, and I am not talking about the size of your Carbon Footprint. No, I’m talking about that Green-Eyed Monster. If you want to be my best friend, you have to share in my excitement when I accomplish something. Don’t ignore it. Don’t compete with it. Don’t belittle it. Just be happy for me. And I’ll be happy for you and your accomplishments. I’ll brag about you to everyone. If we can be each other’s cheerleaders (without the beer and backseat heavy-petting) then we can be best friends.

You must be able to keep secrets to be my best friend. If I talk to you about my ex-husband or my kids or that crazy curly hair that keeps popping out of my chin, I don’t want to see it on your Facebook wall. Isn’t it bad enough I post that kind of stuff on my blog?

That’s all you have to do if you want to be my best friend.

It’s easy.

What?

Oh? You already have a best friend?

Okay …. Well, here’s what you have to do to be my Second Best Friend…………….

c2009 Linda S Amstutz